My name is James. Last Fall, I fell into a severe depression including suicidal thoughts. I spiraled out over pressures at work and started making mistake after mistake. Despite this, I was offered a promotion at my year end review because of how good I did the rest of the year, but the pressure of it caved me. The cost of living and my rising mortgage cost was crushing me at home. I felt enormous pressure as the head of household and primary provider for my family of 5. I was convinced I was going to get fired, get foreclosed on, and we would be homeless. 

I laid down all evening, ignoring everyone and not talking, but didn’t sleep well at all at night. I became extremely paranoid. I stopped eating and drinking to save money. I lost 50 pounds in 8 weeks. I had severe acid reflux and dry heaves from the lack of food. At times I lost my voice entirely because of how dry my mouth and lips were. 

I could hardly talk to or look at my kids. I gagged from anxiety being around my then 4-year-old son. My wife begged me to eat, to get help, to fight for her and my kids. We fought endlessly in circles. I didn’t do anything to get better other than one call to my brother in late October. He kept trying to text me and call me back. I ignored him. I was getting worse. 

They say the two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you learn why. On November 7th, 2025 I learned why. On November 7th, I suffered a complete mental breakdown in the middle of working at home and my computer screen went white. I threw my computer on the floor. My boss told me, rightfully, that my current situation at work was unsustainable and I would be terminated if I didn’t go on leave. My promotion was off the table. I was convinced I was already fired. I tried to desperately apply for a leave of absence, but I was unfunctional. My wife had to do everything for me. That day she twice drove me to the hospital, but I refused to get out of the car.

 My wife took my kids to their grandmother’s house and the suicide prevention team came to visit me that night. That was the beginning of the paranoia about losing custody of my kids. I did agree to eat something for the first time in a week that next morning. I had an English muffin with peanut butter. I ate it to make my wife happy, not because I wanted to. I started eating one small thing a day to keep her happy and keep her off my back when she asked if I ate something. I didn’t eat any meals or protein. Over this period my best friend reached out. I ignored him too. I was getting worse. 

On Sunday that weekend, I collapsed in my kitchen in front of my wife and 14-year-old daughter. My daughter cried and asked: “Dad, why aren’t you fighting for us anymore? Why aren’t we enough for you? I am going to get married and have kids and you won’t be there.” I told her: “I have no fight left.” I had become a completely empty vessel. I felt nothing.

My wife called the police to conduct a well check on me. That only fueled the paranoia about losing custody of my kids. They asked several times if I wanted to go to the hospital. I said no, but they said okay because of my wife’s work behind the scenes. Thankfully through connections, I was able to receive therapy very quickly. I barely avoided hospitalization, but entered emergency outpatient therapy that Monday morning.

The intake process took 4 hours since I refused to cooperate. I was diagnosed with severe depression, personality derangement disorder, a mood disorder, and emerging psychosis. My psychiatrist wondered if I had a detachment from reality and if I knew what was happening. I said I did. I refused to sign the paperwork due to the raging paranoia and stigma of being a mental patient. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me.  After all, I believed I was just sad and had a bad week at work. I felt I was not suicidal (I absolutely was suicidal), but even if I was I was too much of a screw-up to do it right anyway and it will just pile the medical bills on leading to bankruptcy anyway. They said if I didn’t sign, for my own benefit, I would be forcefully committed. I signed and the doctor gave me Ativan to calm down and sleep. I started eating better again the next morning for the first time in weeks. I drank more water too, but was still severely dehydrated. 

My diagnoses led to my leave of absence being approved. The climb back was hard. The medicine and leave led me to sleep in almost til noon. I couldn’t drive. My appetite came back, but the weight came back as fat and flab. I hated my body and still do. I was up 3-4 times a night to pee. I got infections. My wife had to bear the burden to get up each morning with the kids , drive me everywhere, and do everything. This commitment cost her job. 

 I am willing to help any dads or young men who need it to help them keep that light on. It can’t go out. 

Email:  jckorkie@gmail.com