I was adopted at a very early age. I grew up knowing I was adopted but never really knew what it meant. My life was filled with deep insecurity, pain, and confusion. I was born prematurely because of my mom’s drug usage and drinking habits. This led me to be adopted because my biological mother couldn’t take care of me. Because of experiences like early separation from a parent, I have always had a fear of abandonment. I always felt empty and confused since I was a little girl, and I didn’t know why. Because of this fear of abandonment it was difficult for me to form friendships and have it be a healthy friendship.

I didn’t realize this until recently, but it’s because of what I have been through in my past that I feel this way now. When I feel like someone is going to leave, I break down because it physically feels like the world is going to end. This fear led to a diagnosis called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I struggled with my self-image and restricted eating habits because I thought this would stop the pain and worry that people would dislike me and leave me, and I often felt like I wasn’t enough. These struggles led me to self-harm as a way to cope, but it only left me feeling more broken and alone. I kept everything hidden, trying to carry the weight of it all by myself. During Dance season the eating got worse. I would starve myself for periods at a time and if I ate I would force myself to throw it up. It became a horrible habit.

I mentioned earlier that it was hard for me to form friendships, but there was this one friend I met in 2021, and her name was Ava. We were inseparable, but we were separated in the sense that we lived in different states. I was always on social media posting my dances and stuff on TikTok, and I remember Ava commented on my post about something I was struggling with, and so she added me on Snapchat, and we became close. We would FaceTime all the time and talk about boys and how boring school was and how she had soccer games and I had dance practice, but we didn’t let that stop us from getting to talk to each other every day. I thought she was going to be with me forever, and she promised me she wouldn’t leave me like my mom did, but then the worst happened, and Ava died in 2023. 

I lost a close friend, and the grief hit me harder than I ever expected. After that, I have struggled deeply with depression and sadness. I felt empty, like I was stuck in a place I couldn’t climb out of. It was one of the darkest moments I’ve ever experienced. It was harder than ever to remember the times when God showed me the good in life, and then my Junior year came along. 

I thought I was okay again, and it was going to be a great year, and it was until January 20th, 2025. That was the day that marked 2 years without Ava. I talked to my therapist because I started hurting myself again, and then I couldn’t take it anymore. I missed her and wanted to be with her, so I tried to leave this world on my terms for the first time on February 13th, but that didn’t work. After the first attempt, I went back to school like nothing happened and listened in classes, did all my work, and went to dance, and I did all the things I would normally do, but it wasn’t the same, and I still felt the emptiness that I was feeling for so long so I tried again on May 5th. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks, and I missed so much school. I met a nurse and she shared her testimony with me, and it gave me hope. She shared how she experienced the same things I experienced growing up, and she gave me advice. 

A close friend named Rachel has helped me so much in my journey through faith and she has been a big part of my walk with God. Rachel helps me when I struggle with my faith and she turns me closer to God, After I got back from the hospitalization, I remember Rachel came to school with a note and some starbucks. She knows that life had been rough and so she wanted to cheer me up. In the note she gave me advice and she shared some of her favorite bible verses. Now when I look at life, I can see it as an opportunity that God has given to me. An opportunity to learn about his love and how he loves me, and how I can love others while loving myself. 

While eating and self harm are still an issue today I have the support that I need to keep me safe and alive. Please reach out to someone if you feel alone. Im always here to talk if anyone needs help. 

Email: ajesseefabricius@gmail.com