Adult
ADHDBipolar disorder
I am Anonymous, this is my story
Anonymous
I am physiologically Bipolar 1. This means that my bipolar did not come from trauma, it came from my differently wired brain, a.k.a. neurodivergent. Out of all the mental illnesses, I got the ace card. Bipolar 1’s have the shortest life expectancy because we have the highest rate of suicide. On top of that, I also have ADHD, so for me, it was like having a barrel of gasoline thrown onto a bonfire.
My symptoms began when I was eight years old, but it took until the age of 45 to finally be diagnosed. In between the ages of 15 and 45, I attempted suicide 22 times. They were all brilliant plans and I should have been dead a long time ago, but something, I’ll just call it the Universe, pulled me back from the brink of death or pulled me back from being dead. It was also quite frustrating because nothing deepens your already deeply depressed spirit even more than being a failure at suicide, but ironically, or thankfully, this is what made decide to seek help one last time. I decided that if I really was so bad at killing myself, maybe I should go ahead and give living another try.
The journey wasn’t easy. In all the previous years that I had sought help, no one really understood what bipolar was, and because I was young and a minority, they assumed that I was just trying to seek out drugs to misuse or sell. It was so hard and depressing. There were times when I couldn’t get out of bed for days or weeks. My longest bout lasted for about nine months. Existence just seemed so futile. When the depression was there, it felt like a large boulder was sitting on my body, sucking the life out of me. The very worst part of depression was the disconnect. It was like seeing the world and people around me interacting, but I couldn’t join them because I was in a bubble that was far, far away. It’s was like all my emotions and senses had been turned off, and I was floating in a nothingness, only able to observe the world from afar, but never being able to interact with it. But, when it was all over, the mania would step in and I’d be sky high in euphoria. I would be so insanely happy that people thought I was doing drugs. There were a lot of disappointed people when they found out that this insane high was just my natural state of being.
I’m glad I decided to try to get help one more time, though that was a bit bumpy, too. Thankfully, Bipolar Disorder was finally being recognized. There is an actual short questionnaire now, and if you fit, you fit. There are some very specific traits to being bipolar.
My first doctor was younger, but she was very excited to help me. There were new medications on the market and she was sure that one of these would be great for me. They weren’t. The first one, Abilify, landed me in a hospital because I had a severely psychotic episode and almost killed myself because I thought it would reset my brain. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It wasn’t. We tried a different medication, Zyprexa. This one raised my blood sugar to dangerously high diabetic levels. The doctor became frustrated and decided to go back to practicing regular medicine.
A new doctor walked in. He has had over 50 years of experience dealing with patients with bipolar disorders, ADHD, and PTSD. I was so thankful he was still practicing! Here was a man who had seen it all, so to speak, and I felt a lot of hope. He decided to go back to the original medications that were originally used for treatment.
The first medication, or third depending on how you are counting, was lithium . Ah, wonderful, glorious neutralizing lithium! I loved it in a way that would only make sense to a bipolar. Everything was turned off. No highs, but no lows, either. It was just a beautifully calm, peaceful existence. So nice!! The only problem was, I was taking 1800 milligrams out of a maximum dose of 2000 milligrams every day. This concerned my medical doctor because I was already diabetic and she was worried that my kidneys would shut down. It also concerned my therapist at the time because I wasn’t feeling any emotions, and she felt that I was running away from problems and would never try to process and deal with any future life problems that might arise. I realized my therapist had a great point. Turning my emotions off and not caring about anything was worse. I could never become a better human being, I wouldn’t be able to hate but I also wouldn’t be able to love, and etcétera for the rest of the emotions. So my doctor gave me something else to try. My favorite part here, and I think this is what makes him the best psychiatrist ever, is that he told me that if I started to feel any kind of negative reaction, stop taking it right away. This is due to the Abilify incident where the previous doctor told me to keep taking it even though I told her that something felt wrong with my brain. Anyway, the next, and now current medication is Trileptal. It was wonderful! The doctor did have to raise the dosage a bit, but I am still on a low dose, and have been for over 11 years. I’m not ever getting off my medication. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
As a side note, I did go through five years of therapy. I had some severe PTSD that I needed to process and deal with, and that lasted for three years. The last two years were spent in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) classes, which I found to be an excellent blessing in helping me to learn about my bipolar and how to get it under control, and working with my therapist, who also happened to be an art therapist. For some reason, my mania really feeds off art, and doing any form of art really helps to level it and balance it out. My biggest takeaway though, was my therapist helping me to realize that instead of fighting my bipolar mania and depression, I needed to learn to make friends with it. Yes, friends. I still get mild symptoms, so when the mania or depression creep up, I now address it and say, hey, what’s going on? Where did you come from? If the depression is coming from an event in my life, I can now recognize the event, recognize the depressing feelings, and I now have the ability to sit with the feeling until it passes through me. If it’s bipolar depression, the depression that comes out of nowhere and seems to have no beginning or end, I do art. Art seems to soothe this savage beast. It tends to mellow out the depression, put it in balance, and within a day or three, it’s gone and I’m left feeling calm and neutral. When it’s mania and that super energy comes on, I do art. It’s like feeding a hungry art monster inside of me. I do art, the mania calms down, then I become calm and peaceful again.
To all my bipolars out there riding that crazy roller coaster of emotion, don’t give up. I know it’s such a hard battle, but please don’t give up. You are a blessing in this world, we need you.
I’ve attached a photo of my semicolon tattoo, though it has morphed a bit now. It really helped me during my darkest days, reminding not to give up, to put things on pause for another day. Since then, I have learned that I can put several days, or months, on pause and not give up. Hope is alive and thriving, and my semicolons are now reminding me that there is a lot of it, so don’t think about giving up.