By Caitlyn Jennings 

I just donated clothing that no longer suits me, and the process was surprisingly emotional. Many of the clothes that I had held onto past their prime were from my high school and early college years, the era before my bipolar II diagnosis. Shedding them felt like shedding the first version of myself, along with the version of who 18-year-old Caitlyn imagined she’d become. 

At first, this felt disorienting. After my first bipolar II hospitalization, I felt as though the goal for me was to “return to normal,” and become my 17 year old self again. I kept measuring myself against the version of a Caitlyn that existed before my mental illness took center stage. 

However, my recovery from mental illness did not erase the fact that I still live with bipolar II disorder, or buy my years lost to mental illness back. Instead, my life took several unexpected turns:

I transferred colleges and finished school online. Choosing such an untraditional route was never on my radar at 18 years old, but living at home and literally being in proximity to my support system meant more than a name-brand school ever could. 

I became a writer, submitting 25 pieces and counting to various outlets such as Channel Kindness, bpHope, Introvert, Dear, and others. I also became someone who speaks about my own mental health journey through NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. I also serve on the NAMI Montgomery County MD board of Directors. I’ve found my life’s purpose in parks and recreation, museums, and most importantly, mental health advocacy.

None of these things were part of my original, straightforward plan, but that plan didn’t include bipolar II disorder either. 

Of course, this life did not come without mourning. I lost around four good years of my early 20s to mental illness, and there were countless opportunities in my teenage years that I did not take up due to anxiety. My recovery included radically accepting that some of these things could not be reclaimed. 

Eventually, however, I stopped asking myself how to get my old life back. This did not come as a singular turning point, but rather as a series of unglamorous choices to, as NAMI puts it, “keep the conversation in the present.” No one does well dwelling on the past, and that’s especially true for people living with mental health conditions. 

I’m never one to offer false hope, but my mental illness journey has proved NAMI’s principle of support number 12, to never give up hope, true. If I could go back in time and show 18 year old Caitlyn 25 year old Caitlyn’s life, she’d be shocked, but not disappointed, by how it turned out. In all the twists and turns that mental illness brings, I became someone I could never have imagined. I didn’t know that I’d survive hospitalizations, earn not only a history degree but a 3.95 GPA, write seriously about mental health, or find deep purpose in helping others. 

Perhaps most importantly, old Caitlyn isn’t waiting for me at any point on this recovery journey, and I’m okay with that. Personally, I had to become someone new. Now, looking back on the past four years, I know that a new Caitlyn was not a consolation prize, but a gift in the making.