This is a very long and very personal post. I’m nervous about sharing the intimate details of this story with strangers and people I don’t know well. The only person I don’t want to see this is my daughter. It would be too upsetting to her. But maybe it will give someone hope.
I got a tv for my birthday from my sister and my girls. It’s a very nice gift but it really represents a big milestone for me because I haven’t had a tv since 2016.
And here’s why…
Five years ago Satan tried to destroy me. Literally. I had a great corporate job that I loved, a nice car and a little house I loved. Life was great. Until it wasn’t. I started to fall into a depression that started to interfere with my job. Ultimately I was fired. Things got worse after that. I became reclusive and broke up with my boyfriend because of it which left him hurt and confused.
Soon after that came a surprise family intervention encouraging me to seek inpatient treatment. My sister cried and pleaded with me. My dad said with tears in his eyes he wanted his daughter back. At that time I refused. Things got worse when I lost my house and Chloe went out of state for college. Olivia and I moved back in with my parents and I was unable to find work and eventually became paralyzed emotionally.
I couldn’t get out of the bed. I didn’t shower. I didn’t brush my teeth. I stopped parenting my daughter. I withdrew from everyone. I couldn’t be around other people. I refused to speak at times. My sister and mother would get so upset about this. I hid in my room all day sleeping. The only interaction I had with others was thru social media. I didn’t return phone calls from concerned friends. I refused to go anywhere unless it was required of me.
I went to the hospital at some point for treatment. I was there for 11 days. My dr thought I was getting better so he sent me home. I wasn’t. I stopped eating. I couldn’t bear to eat anymore. Food didn’t even taste good. I ended up going back to the hospital at my family’s urging. I’d lost 35 lbs at this point. This time I got ten rounds of electro shock therapy in addition to all my meds. I wanted it to transform me. My whole personality had changed. But it did nothing for me.
I went home again. I had been suicidal for awhile and it was getting worse. Every moment of every day I was consumed with death. I’d tried everything else and I couldn’t bear to live anymore. I felt nothing. I stopped wearing my seatbelt as I’d hope to die in a car accident. I gave away a majority of my possessions including my furniture, clothes, material possessions and even sentimental items to charity. I wouldn’t need them. Didn’t care about them. I never thought my family would be better off without me and I had plenty of people who cared. It was never about that for me. I knew my family would be devastated but I figured in time they’d get over it. I became consumed with researching the best way to end my life. I was making a plan.
There’s a lot of info out there on this subject. In fact there’s a website that lists all of the methods and ranks them in order of effectiveness and amount of pain and suffering. Once I gathered all the info I needed I was ready. I had all of the tools I needed and set my alarm clock. I was planning to do it in a place where I wouldn’t be discovered by a family member. I guess I wanted to minimize the impact. The only last words I had for my family would be “I’m sorry. I had to do it.”
That night in the middle of the night Olivia came into my room and hugged me and said something very unexpected to me that made me realize that SHE wouldn’t be able to recover if I followed thru with my plan. I decided reluctantly to wait another day. Once again I went to the hospital. Got more shock therapy and different meds. Went home feeling a little better. Maybe a little less suicidal. I still stayed in the bed. Was unable to work or just live a productive life in general. I didn’t talk to people. My family would accuse me of acting “weird”.
My family and myself started to believe after a few years that I’d never return to the person I was before. This was the new me. And the new me started working again. A part time retail job. Easy. No stress. Minimal responsibility. I was forced to interact with customers but I didn’t talk much to coworkers. Didn’t talk about my personal life. But something changed in 2020. It took four long years but I finally reached a full recovery. I started listening to music and watching tv (on my phone) for the first time in four years. A few months ago I started wearing makeup and fixing my hair. This was after four years of merely existing.
I recently decided I’d like to have a tv again. And I never thought that day would come again. I’ve battled depression for my whole adult life and I hope it never gets this bad again but I’m finally happy now and I’m glad my story didn’t end that night.