It’s hard to say — even just to yourself — that a parent is part of what’s making things difficult. There’s a loyalty that runs deep, and a fear that naming it means something permanent, something you can’t take back. There’s also sometimes the opposite: a certainty that you’re not allowed to feel this way, because parents do things for you, and you’re supposed to be grateful, not frustrated or hurt.
But the reality is that parents are human beings, with their own histories, struggles, limitations, and sometimes disorders. A parent who is chronically critical, emotionally unpredictable, dismissive, harsh, or absent — even with love somewhere underneath — creates a real impact on the people living around them. Acknowledging that impact is not disloyalty. It’s honesty.
What you can and can’t control here is an important line to understand. You cannot change a parent’s behavior, history, or mental state by managing yourself perfectly around them. Children and teenagers often unconsciously try — being very good, very quiet, very accommodating — in hopes that if they can find the right behavior, the difficult dynamic will ease. This is an understandable response. It rarely works, and it costs a lot.
What you can do: get support outside the home. A school counselor, a therapist, another trusted adult who can be a stable, consistent presence in your life. Not to conspire against your parent — but because you need resources that aren’t contingent on how your parent is doing on any given day. Those resources should exist for you, independent of what’s happening at home.
You’re also allowed to establish internal limits — a sense of what you are and aren’t responsible for, what you will and won’t absorb. This isn’t always easy to do without help, which is another reason therapy or counseling is worth considering.
Naming that a parent is part of what’s hard doesn’t mean you’ve stopped loving them. It means you’re being honest about your actual experience. That honesty is necessary for getting actual support.