When you really like someone, your brain does something inconvenient: it starts working on your behalf to protect the liking. Evidence that contradicts the positive impression gets dismissed, minimized, or explained away. Evidence that confirms it gets amplified. The formal term for this is motivated reasoning, and it is spectacularly good at making behavior that should register as alarming feel acceptable when the behavior is coming from someone you’re attracted to.
So you notice something. A comment that was a little too possessive. A reaction that was a little too intense. Something they said about an ex that felt off. And instead of letting the data land, your brain produces an explanation: they’re just protective, they’ve been hurt before, they were having a bad day, I probably read it wrong. Maybe any of those are true. But the pattern of explaining away, if it runs consistently, is telling you something.
Here are some specific things that are worth letting land as actual information rather than explaining away:
Disrespect toward people with less power — waitstaff, younger siblings, service workers. How someone treats people they don’t need anything from is more informative than how they treat you when they want something from you.
Reactions that are disproportionate to small things — an intense response to something minor, especially if it involves anger, sulking, or making you feel responsible for managing their emotion.
Pressure around physical boundaries — any version of pushing past a “no” or “not yet,” minimizing a boundary you set, or making you feel bad for having limits.
Talking badly about everyone else in their life — if everyone in their story is a villain, consider that you’ll eventually appear in that story when things change.
Moving too fast — an intensity that doesn’t allow for the natural pace of getting to know someone.
Liking someone is a feeling. Red flags are information. Both deserve to be in the same room when you’re making decisions.