Dating can make you nervous.
You might panic over a text.
Replay a conversation sixteen times.
Wonder whether they like you as much as you like them.
That kind of nervous is not what this article is about.
This is about fear.
Fear of making them angry.
Fear of saying no.
Fear of hanging out with your friends.
Fear of what happens if you stop sharing your location.
Fear of breaking up.
Dating should not require that kind of fear.
Control is not the same thing as caring
“I just worry about you” can sound loving.
Pay attention to what comes next.
Do they demand your passwords?
Decide who you can talk to?
Tell you what to wear?
Track where you are?
Get angry when you do not reply immediately?
Pressure you sexually?
Threaten to hurt themselves if you leave?
Humiliate you privately or publicly?
Those are not signs that somebody cares too much.
They are warning signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
You are allowed to have boundaries
Healthy boundaries do not require permission from the other person.
You can spend time with friends.
You can keep parts of your phone private.
You can say no to physical or sexual contact.
You can change your mind.
You can end a relationship.
Someone being hurt by a boundary does not automatically mean the boundary is wrong.
Abuse can happen through a phone
Dating violence is not only physical.
It can include psychological aggression, stalking, sexual pressure and digital control.
A partner can make your life feel unsafe without ever hitting you.
Saving threatening messages or screenshots can sometimes help if you need to show a trusted adult what has been happening.
If you are afraid to break up, do not handle it alone
You do not owe someone a private in-person breakup if you are worried about your safety.
Tell an adult you trust.
Make a plan.
Think about school, transportation, shared activities and online contact.
If you are being threatened or stalked, adults and professionals may need to help.
Experiences of abuse can affect mental health and, for some people, may contribute to trauma symptoms such as those described in PTSD.
Do not blame yourself for staying
People stay in unhealthy relationships for complicated reasons.
They love the person.
They hope it will change.
They are scared.
The relationship is tied to their entire friend group.
The other person apologizes and things improve for a while.
Leaving can be a process.
You do not have to be embarrassed that it took time to understand what was happening.
Tell somebody
A trusted parent or guardian, school counselor, teacher, coach, healthcare provider or another safe adult can help you think through next steps.
If you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services.
You are not being dramatic because somebody you are dating makes you afraid.
Fear is information.
A relationship can be exciting, intense, confusing and imperfect.
It should still leave you free to be a person.