Checking on a friend sounds simple until you are actually worried.
Then every option feels risky.
What if they get mad?
What if you make it weird?
What if they tell you something serious?
What if you say the wrong thing?
You do not need to become an expert before you ask somebody how they are doing.
Start with what changed
“You’ve been really quiet lately.”
“You stopped coming to practice.”
“You’ve been joking about not wanting to be here, and I’m actually worried.”
Specific is often easier than a giant “WHAT’S WRONG?” message appearing on their phone at midnight.
Changes in behavior can sometimes be part of mental health warning signs, especially when they are new, increasing or connected to a painful event.
Listen before you start fixing
Your first job is not to create a treatment plan.
Listen.
Ask what has been going on.
Do not immediately explain why things are not as bad as they think. People usually do not become less overwhelmed because somebody wins an argument against their feelings.
You can say:
“That sounds like a lot.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
“I don’t know exactly what to say, but I’m here.”
Ask directly when you are worried about suicide
If you are concerned that a friend might be thinking about suicide, it is okay to ask directly.
Research summarized by the National Institute of Mental Health shows that asking about suicide does not put the idea into someone’s head.
If they say yes, do not promise to keep it secret. Bring in a trusted adult and help connect them with crisis support. In the United States, call or text 988; use emergency services for an immediate life-threatening situation.
Helping is different from becoming responsible
You can walk someone to the counselor.
You can sit with them while they call a parent.
You can send a message the next day.
You cannot guarantee they will make every safe choice.
If you start feeling like you must monitor their location, answer every message instantly or stay awake because something might happen if you sleep, you have been handed too much responsibility.
You do not have to be the therapist friend.
Some secrets need an adult
Friendship is built on trust, but safety changes the rules.
If you believe your friend may be in danger, tell an adult who can act.
Telling an adult can be necessary even when a friend asked you not to.
Your friend may feel betrayed in the moment.
Being temporarily angry and being alive are not equal outcomes.
Keep being their friend after help arrives
Sometimes people treat a friend like a crisis and forget the friendship.
Once adults or professionals are involved, you can go back to doing friend things too.
Ask how the appointment went if they want to talk about it.
Invite them to lunch.
Send the ridiculous video.
Talk about something other than mental health.
Support does not have to mean every conversation becomes serious.
Care works better with backup
The strongest thing you can do is not prove you can handle everything alone.
It is help create a wider circle around someone who is struggling.
You can be part of that circle.
You were never supposed to be the entire thing.